Canadians love their summers and it’s no wonder. We wait patiently through months and months of snow and ice until finally, one day, the smell of thawing dog shit fills the air and we smile, knowing warmer weather is upon us. Soon snow will give way to grass and delicious seasonal fruit will fill long vacant bowls on kitchen tables across the land. And with the bountiful harvest come the scourge of a nation, the fruit flies and they are driving me crazy.
I get invaded by fruit flies every year. I’m not sure why they seem to target me specifically, but they do and I now I heave to deal with it. I don’t like to think too hard about where they come from. All I know is that they weren’t here before the fruit came in so clearly they came in on the fruit. While I almost always wash the fruit before I eat it, sometim…oh sweet Jesus. I’m eating larvae, aren’t I?
The fruit fly issue isn’t an isolated one. It’s a long, drawn out annual battle of wits and power and I am NOT GOING TO LOSE THIS YEAR. I’ve tried all the Pinterest tricks, from the paper funnel in sugar water (my son drank it and used the cone as a spit-ball cannon), to the small glass of “decoy” wine (made the flies drunk and copulate more aggressively) to stern lectures (they have incredibly short attention spans for something with an 8 day life cycle).
Fruit flies aren’t exciting bugs like lice or centipedes. At least with those creatures you get a nod of sympathy from the pharmacist or the fireman you called to destroy them. With fruit flies all you get is a “This is not an appropriate 911 emergency call.” But those people – those people – they don’t quite understand what you’re dealing with. This is SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Here’s my updated strategy for Summer 2014 to eradicate these flying assholes while maintaining my sanity:
1. Show These Fruit Flies Who’s Boss
I’ll stop eating fruit. This may be harsh, but I am sick of having tiny brown bugs cover every inch of counter-top real estate. I may lose out on vitamins and fiber, but a little bit of scurvy and some constipation never killed anyone. This may seem harsh, but I am an adult and sometimes adults need to make tough decisions, like opting for no balanced nutrition.
2. Remove All Food from the Home
Failing that, I will remove all food and foodstuffs from the home. We will eat entirely at restaurants, taking no meal inside the confines of our home but rather only accepting food handed to us through sliding windows. I don’t care if it takes until October; I will dine out every single meal until the fruit flies understand I am not fooling around.
Desperate times often call for aerosol cans of poison and drunken phone calls to realtors. If things persist beyond a reasonable amount of time, we’ll probably need to move.
Fruit fly populations are out of control, with no end in sight,as shown by a candid “party” shot.
Image Source: WikiCommons