November 10, 2009 | Posted in:Family, Irritation Level: High, Parenting, School, University

Facebook is making me feel bad. Too many of my “friends” are having fun and interesting lives, and it is starting to depress me by comparison. I receive live updates all day long about how fantastic things are for them and while the truth is that I am happy for them because they deserve every happiness, it does make one examine their own state. But keep it coming, I say, because I love seeing happy holiday pictures and contented messages. That way, I can live vicariously through your updates.

But with my own life currently being held together with dollar store duct tape, I have to sometimes dig deep in order to post anything other than “Eh…” as my status.  I’m going to start making stuff up to post, just to make myself appear less pathetic. If you suddenly notice that I am dating a future prince, spending the day overseeing the washing of my yacht or flashing my newest bauble, this is your heads up that it is PROBABLY NOT REAL. (Although the PM assures me that he is indeed descended from the Royal House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg. You can start calling me “Your Royal Highness” now  if you’d like. You know what? Just do it anyway.)

But other than that, the other stuff is purely fictious. From now on I am going to “Fakebook.”

I’m going to have to in order to maintain some street cred. See for yourself; here are a random sampling of typical comments I read daily, as compared with my current reality below:

Woke up to hubby serving me eggs Benedict in bed!

Woke up and couldn’t breathe. Thought I had pneumonia, but it was just my 5-year-old sitting on my chest and sticking his fingers in my nose.

Just had a great review at work! Boss said he’s overly impressed with my accomplishments. Received a huge raise and new great benefit package, too!

Got paper back with a “C+” Prof says I am “capable of more” if only I were to “apply myself and dedicate more time to research.”  I hope my next essay is on what dog breed I will never buy , or the special attributes of a “Fire Type Maxus Draganoid Bakugan.”

Bank made error and doubled my savings account interest this month. For my honesty in reporting they are letting me keep it!  Drinks on me!

Considered asking the optometrist if the kids could rake her yard in exchange for exam and new glasses.  If she says no, I’m having a drink.

Apple picking at the local organic orchard. Been invited to stay for wagon rides and cookout.

Ran out of gas on Main Street while heading to store for hotdog buns. Smelly guy on adult tricycle offered me a ride home in his carrier. Who knew a milk crate duct taped to a bike fender could be so comfy?

Came home to find house sparkling! Forgot cleaners were coming today.

Came home to find two unflushed toilets.

Only two more days until we are sipping Champagne Mimosas ocean side on our annual three-week getaway to Fiji! Off to get more sunscreen!

Only two more days until my annual root canal. Apparently my teeth are made of sponge toffee. Off to get more Advil!

Nighttime stories read, prayers done, dinner dishes washed…now sweetie and I watching “When Harry met Sally.”

Hid Bakugan comics to avoid reading to son, used Lord’s name in vain (twice), put paper plates in over flowing garbage can…now watching Biggest Loser and eating ½ bag stale M&M’s I found under couch.

Drifting off to sleep after a great massage by hubby.

Went to bed, only to realize sheets and blanket were in dryer and still wet. Raked Lego off couch and crashed with oatmeal crusted throw pillow and hair dye stained beach towel.

But it’s not all bad. I “like” all their great news and hope their luck continues. But if it doesn’t, I am here to commiserate, because sometimes an authentic “been there, done that” is just what you need to feel better, or to at least feel that you are not the only one living the blooper reel from “Married with Children”, except in my case without the “Married” part.

Then, last night, along came the proverbial “kick in the chops.” A pop-up message appeared in my Facebook side bar. The man behind the curtain noticed I have several mutual friends with another member, and urged me to accept a “suggestion” to become “friends” and “reconnect” with this person.


 My ex-husband.

  • Natalie

    LMAO!! omgoodness that was WAY too hilarious! You seriously crack me up, I especially love the “came home to two unflushed toilets” hahahaha so funny. And the ending… wow… I hope you have some better luck in the near future! lol. You can live vicariously through me if you would like lol. Keep writting this hilarious stuff, it’s a good break we all need.

  • Tracy Morris

    OH, the warmth I am feeling toward you and yours at this moment! and don’t forget the profound spiritual awakenings that you’ll be posting about, the really nifty ones that come with the whole unmarried-with-children… those are my favorite. “Saw God today in the face of my darling offspring.” i.e. “Tried to imagine my now-preteen son as a self-supporting young man as I watched him use our small terrier like an AK-47.”

  • Jane

    OMG I swear I could’ve written this post last week. This is the exact reason I’ve deactivated my FB account for a little while – I just needed a break from all that ‘happy’ ;)

    Mind you, I know better than to believe all of it – I have good friends who are always posting how perfect everything is on the their FB and yet I know the ‘truth’ because I’m the one they tell everything to……so I’m sure there are others that do the same….

    Right now I just need a break for a week or two though….thanks – your blog post was perfectly timed!! I don’t feel so alone now :)

  • Andrea

    How do you know your friends aren’t making it all up to make you jealous!! (That’s what I think about mine).

  • Sheri

    OMG Jeni,

    I hear ya! Let me tell you, if I posted the truth of how I feel sometimes, I’d probably be arrested or investigated by Children’s Aid!
    Believe me, you are not the only one!

  • Joe

    This post was awesome. I was just talking about this the other day. How could some people have a never ending string of good luck? It gets a little much sometimes. And I’m stealing your idea of Fakebooking my status updates. Genius.

  • Sheryl

    Awww, great post!
    I haven’t started a Facebook account because I don’t want to devote the time to it. But I like to read about others’ experiences with it! ;)

  • LeSan

    Geez Jeni I’m laughing so hard I can’t type!
    All I can say is hey, at least they used the toilets and your butt can still fit in a milk crate duct taped to the back of a man-trike.
    Terrific post. Had me laughing out loud!
    I for one love your writing and I love your Cheeto encrusted lifestyle.

  • jacintah

    Ah there is a song about this… maybe you should have starred in the clip too

    I reckon you should create a fantastic alter ego.

  • Heather

    Sooooooooooo funny and soooooooooooooo true!

  • Karen Chatters

    My updates on FB: Changed 5 poop filled diapers today, after I was thrown up on – twice. Hubby got home from work and I decided to change my underwear – from 3 days ago. In the meantime, the dog shit (shat?) on the floor and I stepped in it.

    I feel ya, sister.

  • Lisa Rae @ smacksy

    You need new FB friends. Friend me and get lots of updates about poop and bad smells and other things you probably already have too much of in your own life.

    I was “friend-ed” by an ex. Being a delightful and forgiving lady, I accepted his friendship. A week later, he sent me an invitation to “Become a Fan” of his gorgeous, talented, and famous wife. A lovely FB/FU.

  • Cheryl

    Dude that was the shit! You are funnier than any of them I am sure! I have the same issue, my life is freaking boring!

  • Mo

    I think I just peed my pants. (laughing. not, like, for no reason.)

    Who ARE these people with their magical unicorn-riding, fairy-enchanted lives? Do they have a pool? Can I stand close to them at the grocery store and subtly smell their hair? Because I’m pretty sure that it will smell like rainbows…

  • Kristin

    Thanks for that laugh–I really needed it. You should be my FB friend. Even though I am fairly happy I can’t imagine posting things like that…those people are annoying. My updates are usually snarky, ranting or overly detailed about how full I am from eating lunch at the Indian buffet. The updates that I CAN’T stand from people are the ones just digging for sympathy, like the, “having a bad day” or mysterious updates like, “well, I guess I need a hug after that.” And then 15 people leave comments asking about whatever is the matter? I hate all of that.

  • Kathleen in Canada

    I’m jealous. We’ve only got one toilet. Well and a litter box and I’m seriously hoping no one other than the cats tries to use it. Only thing that keeps our toilet flushed is the reminder that the cats drink out of the toilet and will try to lick your face. That got them flushing LOL.

    I blocked my ex-husband so that gets rid of those suggestions. Although I get regular requests from Facebook to find more friends for my deceased grandfather. For some reason he’s not making any friend requests and I guess they’re concerned.

  • Rita

    Sister-girl, sometimes I have walked through that life and when those “unexpected” moments happen (like the ex wanting to be you fb-friend) all you can do is LOL or sit down and have a good cry. I go for the laugh!

  • MtPansy

    I don’t update my facebook status anymore, because “At home alone. Maybe I’ll have a beer.” got to be a little redundant after the 324th time. Now I just use it to evaluate the fun levels in my friend’s lives, and stalk strangers through their party pictures.

  • Laurel

    I need to read your blog more often. You are the definition of levity! Keep ‘um coming!

  • hi-d

    You are SO funny! I love your style of writing. And FB is too similar to fourth grade… I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. But I am still on it to stay connected to far-away friends and family. But you know it can be so decieving… like I know one family who is not getting along with rest of family – owe tons of money – kids in trouble – etc… and yet they have these beautiful family photos and events that they post on FB. It appears that they are the “perfect” family… but if you really know them… you know they are just like the rest of us… average.

    Hang in there and chin up girl!

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