June 4, 2012 | Posted in:Education, Family, Home Renovation, I'm a horrible person, Irritation Level: High, University, Writing

Nothing in my life is operating at 100% efficiency right now.

My car CD player doesn’t work; my BlackBerry ball is stuck; both toilets run constantly; the kitchen tap, basement and bladder leak (and my roof is next;) my computer has more viruses than a sailor on shore leave; my home phone crackles; the hot tub has a partial dead squirrel in it; my nose is STILL broken; my favourite purple shiny flats blew a seam; the screen door is ripped; there’s a broken fridge AND stove in my driveway; and the hedges need trimming but I sliced through the extension cord last time I cut them and C says I will electrocute myself if I attempt my alternate plan which was to string together all 16 of my interior extension cords. He’s very unadventurous, and frankly, not much of a problem solver.

Last week I forgot garbage day so I have compost rotting in my laundry room; ants have taken over the patio; most of my picture frames are propped up with tomato paste cans; the back is falling off my bedroom armoire; the bathroom sink plug is gone (I don’t know where it went but it likely ran away and I don’t blame it one single bit;) and the refrigerator runs as smoothly as a 1985 Hyundai Pony.

If it weren’t for the duct tape and cable ties holding this house together, I’d be typing this from a low-budget campground using stolen internet. AND MAYBE I AM.

Last week I received an email from the University I graduated from in April informing me the gown for my convocation ceremony will be $25 to rent.

That is exactly what I have earned since I graduated.

I am trying to remain optimistic. Things will get better. Meanwhile, wine helps. And bitching. Lots and lots of bitching. C bears the brunt of this. I like his feedback for the most part, and he’s fairly astute in his summations:

Me; putting the gazebo covering on for the first time this year, and discovering that it is ripped: “WHY? WHY IS EVERYTHING BROKEN, DENTED, GOT HALF A DEAD THING IN IT, MISSING TWO PIECES, RUSTED, SHIT ON BY BIRDS, INFESTED WITH ANTS, CRACKED, DIRTY OR JUST PLAIN GONE TO SHIT?”
“Simple, Jeni. It’s because God hates us.”
“What? Why would God hate us? “
“BECAUSE WE ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE. “

See? ASTUTE.

  • http://twitter.com/GDRPempress Good Day, Reg People (@GDRPempress)

    But you know what they can’t take away from you?

    The graduation papers.

    Congrats, woman.

    This? Worth all the effin’ ants in town.

    So proud of you.

    • http://highlyirritable.wordpress.com Jeni

      They better not try to take them; I may need to burn them for heat. ;)

      And thanks, lovely lady. XO

  • auntie

    OMG!!! My life is a dream compared to yours!! Even though I have a pinched sciatic nerve, extreme pain in my varicose vein leg, a cold sore the size of a quarter on my lower lip and shingles! Thank you lord for passing me over for this terrible girl.

    • http://highlyirritable.wordpress.com Jeni

      It’s our family – we come from horrible stock. ;)

      I’d hug you, but I’m afraid you may be contagious.

  • Sheri

    As always Jeni, you are very entertaining! Things can only get better, right?

  • http://dearexpletivebaby.wordpress.com AM @ dearexpletivebaby

    I’m dying to know…is the half a dead thing in the gazebo the other half of the deceased hot tub squirrel?

  • http://everydaycommotion.wordpress.com Everyday Commotion

    Sounds like something my husband would say in response to me feeling like the sky is falling, too. Ah, perspective! Congratulations on your graduation :)

  • http://gotoexit180.wordpress.com kpskinner

    Girl, if nobody gives you a column in a mag or rag, they’re stupid. Gee, that explains a lot…

  • Sook Perdew

    Varicose veins are very unsighty but it can be solved by some topical agents like hiruoid. ‘

    <a href="Check out the helpful article on our webpage
    http://www.healthmedicinelab.com/pinched-nerve-in-back/

  • Suzanne Smith

    My favourite comment is the one above mine.

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