House Rules: First, mandatory naps.

August 11, 2011 | Posted in Childhood, Family, I'm a horrible person, Irritation Level: High, Parenting | By

I am losing the battle for control in this house. I need to get some rules for these kids down on paper, because if things aren’t written down I’m lost, and so are the kids. This explains how we look when we leave the house and why our grocery cart is often full of nothing but tuna, instant gravy and bacon. (I have the recipe for a fantastic tuna/bacon/beef gravy casserole if anyone is interested…)

I’m the type of person who tends to see things in black and white. I operate at two speeds (stop and full on time-warp,) and I have little patience for dissention. At the same time, I am incredibly laid back about many things but will complain endlessly about things I can’t believe no one else gets riled up about. For example, never in my life have I written a letter to a politician about a pressing political matter, but I have pulled over in rush hour traffic, located a phone booth, found and dialed the number of a particular donut store, called said store and waited for the manager in order to passionately complain that the two Boston Cream donuts I had just bought from their store were devoid of cream.

Priorities.

It’s this kind of devotion to my principles that makes me so very tired.

Where some people fall into the “glass half empty” category, I am in the “WHO THE HELL DRANK MY GODDAMN GIN AND PINK LEMONAIDE?” contingent.

So. The new house rules. Here’s a rough sketch, but I need some feedback. Do these rules sound appropriate/sane/legal? (I’m willing to go 2 out of 3.) My kids are 7 and 12 and can operate power tools, a microwave, and small aircraft. 

  1. If you are bleeding, please use the downstairs bathroom towels.
  2. Lego must be picked up every night before bed. If the living room looks like an explosion at a colourful plastics factory again, you’d better build yourself a new room out of it, because you’re going to be living there.
  3. It is no longer acceptable for you to hold siblings hostage to be ransomed for waffles.

That’s all I’ve got so far.

So, what do you think? Did I miss anything?

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