Who Ordered the Battery Operated Marshmallow Toaster?

December 21, 2009 | Posted in cooking, Family, Guacamole and Margaritas, Holidays, Irritation Level: High, Music, Parenting | By

This is what I am putting up next Christmas

Our Christmas tree is so pretty this year. Remember? I told you about it. But you’ll have to take my word for it since it doesn’t look so hot anymore. BECAUSE IT JUST FELL OVER. 

I’m glad the kids aren’t home tonight. It would have been a mob scene. There would have been screaming, crying, and agonizing moans of “Whyyyyyy God….Whyyyyy?” Really, it would have been on scale with the Hindenburg disaster. Or the ending of “Million Dollar Baby.” I think they’d be pretty upset too.

Do you think if I just leave it lying there I can get away with telling the kids I actually prefer it that way? We could refer to it as our “Christmas hedge.” 

I think I handled it pretty well. I glanced over at it, and then went straight to the cupboard for some Shiraz. I walked clear around the entire mess as though it were nothing more than a puppy snoozing on a throw rug. Then I made my way to the stereo and put on a John Prine album. Because if anyone can make you feel better about your own life, it is the divine Mr. Prine. When he sings “Christmas in Prison” and “There’s a hole in Daddy’s arm where all the money goes” nothing that has happened to me looks too bad. If you have never heard of John Prine, then you must go here . Be warned: be prepared to reassess your life. Bring tissues. And disable Facebook for a week or so. You’re gonna be a real party for a while. 

But I am going to forget about the tree entirely, make some chocolate rum balls, and have guacamole for dinner. I may even do some last minute online Christmas shopping. But I should probably do that before the wine and rum balls kick in. The last time I shopped online while “fuzzy” I couldn’t recall what I had purchased and didn’t remember to print or bookmark any receipts. A few days later strange packages started being delivered. I thought the farting slippers and bacon flavoured tooth floss were a trifle odd, but when I had to show six pieces of ID, submit to a full cavity search and provide a DNA sample to be granted delivery of a refrigerator sized crate that oozed a green jelly like substance, I was forced to recognize that I was better off not drinking and clicking. 

Does anyone know where I can get a breathalyzer device for laptops? Because I would be SO ALL OVER THAT. 

My children would thank you as well. I still don’t know how I am going to convince my 10 year old daughter that fluorescent orange “Frankie Says Relax”  off-the-shoulder sweatshirts are so the rage in Europe right now, and she is going to be the envy of her school when she wears it.

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