November 6, 2012 | Posted in:Childhood, Family, Holidays, humor, I'm a horrible person, Parenting, Television

Charlie Brown Christmas

“And so, Charlie Brown, that’s why life is hopeless and there’s nothing to be happy about, ever. Happy Holidays!”

Get your comfy “line standing shoes” polished up and dust off that one man pup-tent!

Yes; pack a lunch and a soup can to pee in, because Charlie Brown” the movie is coming to the big screen and there is gonna be a line-up for tickets the likes of which you won’t believe! This thing is gonna put “The Hunger Games” pre-sale to shame and I…I can’t do this.

I discovered this exciting cinematic revelation on Google a few weeks ago. I was feeling pretty good – too good, in fact – and realized I needed to be taken down a peg or two on the happiness ladder. Nothing takes me down faster than the “Charlie Brown Christmas Special,” so I Googled it up and it did not disappoint.  It was just as depressing as I remembered.

My cousins and I watched it every year, locked in my Grandmother’s small front room with a kitchen towel wedged in the door frame. I have no idea what possessed adults to inflict this torture on their offspring, other than maybe payback for horrific labours and stolen youth.

Even as a child I thought that Charlie Brown television specials were probably the most depressing children’s programming that ever there was. To be fair, “Charlie Brown Christmas” first aired in 1965, and while this was long before the concept of self-esteem for children was part of the parenting “toolbox,” I still think someone at the originating network was a kid-hater. Five minutes into my YouTube revival and the Peanuts kids had already called each other “stupid,” “hopeless,” and “dumb.” I’m pretty confident “asshole” and “douche-bag” sit reluctantly on the cutting room floor, due only to FCC interference.

So, hey, MERRY FREAKIN’ CHRISTMAS, ya stupid dipshit blockhead!

I read several of the articles outlining the upcoming movie and it appears  that Charles Schultz’s son and grandson will write the movie screenplay, which sounds like a lot of work when you first think about it. But really, how much work is needed for something consisting mostly of depressing tuba music and a lot of WahWahWAH?

Children’s television programming completely devoid of parental presence freaks me out. It’s best not to give my kids get any ideas. I’ve seen the way my son eyes me up after an episode of “Max and Ruby.” Like Max, my son also has a big sister, and the rooms in our house are an odd jumble of coloured, mismatched wallpapers. This boy could be living “la vida orphan” if given the opportunity. No; best not provide a match for that fire.

There’s no word yet on the upcoming movie’s plot, but I’m hoping it somehow explains why so many children in the Peanuts gang have only four greasy hairs on their head. Was having the hair of a retired plumbing parts salesman from Indiana normal for the children of this era? And I’m no professional, but why isn’t Charlie Brown seeing a self-esteem therapist? And could someone please just lock Lucy in a cold cellar?

Charlie Brown television and movie plots really are just the most depressing media events ever. I can’t wait to see what they come up with for the new original movie.Stay tuned until 2015 for my review on “Save our Playground/Abandoned Nuclear Reactor Plant, Charlie Brown!”

Charlie Brown Christmas Dancing Children

I hope they all get “Hair Club” memberships for Christmas

  • http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl

    The movie of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” has got to be the worst ever. At least every scene with Jim Carrey in it (and I like Jim Carrey, just not in THAT role). Some of the classics just need to be left alone!

  • http://jackstrawlanedotcom.wordpress.com Katja

    Finally someone else who isn’t all gushy and nostalgic about a depressing show. I hated Charlie Brown when I was little.

    • http://highlyirritable.wordpress.com Jeni

      I think we are actually cousins but don’t realize it? Is this a thing? Where do you stand on chocolate popsicles?

      • http://jackstrawlanedotcom.wordpress.com Katja

        Depending on my mood I swing between banana and chocolate. Or banana AND chocolate.

        • http://sendmetoparis.wordpress.com Chantal Saville

          Banana popsicles rock. #Thatisall

          • http://highlyirritable.wordpress.com Jeni

            You guys really are the best.

  • http://www.littlewoodenshoe.com Little Wooden Shoe

    I used to LOVE Charlie Brown movies when I was a kid, mostly because of Woodstock and Snoopy which are the only normal ones in the bunch. Maybe I was depressed and and need of self-esteem therapist myself and didn’t notice how depressing it all was ;D

  • Donna

    Lucy needs an intervention… seriously. Hate CBChristmas.

  • http://sendmetoparis.wordpress.com Chantal Saville

    My husband LOVES CB. I think it is more because CB and watching the Xmas special was such a treat – they weren’t allowed a lot of TV or movies as children. And I think that he relates a little to poor old CB, having Lucy pull the football away, again and again. It’s a metaphor for life, right? He left home at 17 and even while at home, he never felt like his parents were ‘parenting’ very much, so maybe the ‘parentless’ existence feels normal to him? I’m not sure. This sure has opened up a can of worms that I am now going to dump on to him over dinner… or not.

    • http://highlyirritable.wordpress.com Jeni

      I still hate Charlie Brown, except now I kinda feel sad for your husband.

      Have fun at dinner? ;)

      XO

      • http://sendmetoparis.wordpress.com Chantal Saville

        Smart man escaped to Army Cadets before I had a chance……

  • Lrocamora

    I watched Dora the Explorer incite a coup the other day. I hoped my son wasn’t paying too much attention. Unless the election goes poorly tonight and then I hope he was taking notes.

  • http://motherhoodisanart.wordpress.com motherhoodisanart

    I was cracking up reading this the whole time!! Also, I have some good news for you! Most children of modern day have no clue who the Charlie Brown gang is. I’m sure this is due to the fact most have cable nowadays and do not have to watch the specials like we had to. I’m kind of a nostalgic girl and found an old Snoopy Halloween sweatshirt that was in great shape and my son’s size. He thought it was pretty cool himself and wore it to Kindergarten a few weeks back. My son was disappointed that only one kid in his class knew who the character was on his shirt! Therefore, I’m kind of going out on a limb here and predicting this won’t be a huge movie success unless parents are dragging their kids to this!!!

  • http://masalachica.wordpress.com Masala Chica

    I usually just blame my drinking on my kids. It’s harsh but when people meet them, they understand why.

    Ok – on your Max and Ruby point, where the hell are those kids parents?! I find that so irresponsible to leave little Max with little Ruby. She doesn’t know what the fuck she is doing. Bad parenting.

    Kiran

  • http://subtractingadditives.blogspot.com/ Robin Jingjit

    I love Charlie Brown Christmas!! It’s definitely not the worst, the worst Christmas movie is, “A Christmas Story.” That movie is so boring it used to make me cry!

  • http://gravatar.com/funnyisfamily Amy

    My five year old thinks Charlie Brown is the funniest sumbitch out there. I thought it was cute, until the day my boy said “…I’ll fall flat on my back and kill myself” which he heard from Charlie Brown. Not cool, man. Not cool.

  • http://genieinablog.com Leigh Ann

    Old school cartoons are messed up.

  • http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com Lady Googoogaga

    LOL! I love this…..

  • http://4theluvofwriting.blogspot.com Sarcasm Goddess

    It’s one of those things I think I should watch every year but it’s just so…AWFUL.

  • Michelle

    I used to LOVE Charlie Brown cartoons when I was a kid. I obviously never paid too much attention to them because now I think they are just about the most boring cartoons. I cringe when my 7-yr old sees the commercials for them and stores the date and time in her steel-trap memory.

  • http://www.abbyhasissues.com Abby

    Good grief! I know I’m late to the game, so thanks for pointing this post out. LOVED it. I turned on the TV for 5 mins and it was on, during which point I heard sappy music, Charlie Brown say he was depressed and Linus tell him he can turn anything fun into a drag. Merry Freaking Christmas!

    I used to love CB. Now I just want to buy him a drink.

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  • http://aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com aliceatwonderland

    I really don’t know why Charlie hasn’t come after everyone in town with a chainsaw by now. I talked about this a little on a Halloween post because the Halloween special has to be one of my most hated ones (though the Christmas and Thanksgiving and um every other one is up there too). I mean, in the Halloween one the ADULTS put rocks in the kid’s Halloween sack. What kind of douchebag do you have to be to do that to a little kid? WTF?

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